dealing with financially irresponsible family members

People are so shallow these days. Get married at the Justice of the Peace, much better financial decision. My parents were financially conservative when I knew them, but its been 10 years since we last talked (long story, but relationship was damaging to everyone). There must be conditions to this. So do i have to go over there and take away her check book? thank you for your supportive words I will thanks so much. I believe that every member of a family has the responsibility to respect the others by taking care of his or her own financial business and to only ask for assistance when he or she has legitimately fallen on hard times. They have historically had bad credit, lots of debt, and no other retirement savings. One of those e-mails was from Dave, who wrote with his own ethical dilemma. I bet you are an amazing husband or would be if you are not now. Why in Gods name should she use HER money to support that woman? Most probably, she may declare bankruptcy and be done with it. No retirement, no attention to being healthy so as to avoid typical health issues that come from irresponsible living. Home InCharge Blog How to Stop Enabling Financially Irresponsible Family Members, By Tom Jackson | Personal Finance, Taxes. Absolutely! Could they imaging having to pay for everything in their lives without a dime of help from family? In fact, condescension should be avoided. She was making alot of money working abroad and made poor choices, lifestyle, etc. Encouraging our family members in contentment is one way we can help them financially. My husband says hell have no problem telling them no (yes, weve talked about this, and both see it as happening). You MUST speak to a professional MFT/addiction specialist to deal with these feelings, or your resolve WILL weaken over time. And I cant afford to feed her too; electric, cable, phone and heating oil are big expenses! You can help family members find local resources they might not be familiar with, whether its an employment agency, welfare assistance, charities that assist with food, rent or utility bills or similar services or programs that might fit their specific situation. im so glad to hear im not the only one but she is hurting my family now and she starts cussing and screaming and doesnt do anything to try to get her life under control. For example, instead of saying, You bought another new car? This is also a good opportunity to start to learn how to communicate about such issues. Its putting immense stress on our marriage, and in our household!. What you can do about it: If you want to avoid years of uncomfortable family get-togethers, youve got two choices: You can simply refuse to lend money to family members no matter what. Go ahead and pay it now! More than cavalier, they believe that their financial resources are endless. In my freshmen year of college I was still living at my grandmothers (and paying rent) when she had a stroke and died. And if all else fails remind them that then church, or whatever their religion iss home base,is also their family and maybe they can help out if they need it. Dealing With Unsupportive Family: 4 Key Strategies (+ pro tips) The proceeds split between grandmas living children (4) 1 including his his mom. I was in my early 30s at that time.. We were very successful for 10 years. I am not going to support him either. I can't give you money but I can loan it to you. Who is bank rolling this $400 a month when you are unable to work and you wont EVER have to care for me. its my parents were that irresponsible ,.let Medicaid take care of them. I love my dad very much and fear that without our help he will end up homeless, but if we do help, theres a very real chance that well end up just like him at his age. The husband and I want to pay off our student loans first, though.. My mother chose suicide over moving in with me after her husband died (complicated story, lets say she got him addicted to multiple things and openly discouraged healthy eating and exercising, all of which directly lead to his untimely death). He loves to work and says he will work until the day he dies. So I may face this very decision in the next decade or two. So who is the willing victim ready to clean up their mess around here for the next 15-20 years? Alan D. Feller, Esq. just to make sure my life and marriage are safe from the volatility and hardship of a non-funded parental retirement but I know how luck I have been to have had time and work to accomplish that. Here are some things that have happened over the years: -Getting several months behind on rent and the landlord calling us to make sure everything is ok -Getting evicted -Unable to open credit cards -Using shady car dealers and loans -Has had to stay with us between eviction and . Perhaps I am completely wrong. I should knowIve made many of those kinds of mistakes. Shes constanly asking relatives for money, constanly borrowning money from the church, and from my sister and I. Theyre over a year behind in their mortgage and currently facing foreclosure (duh!) Basically, if theyre not willing to change, I can no longer waste my most valuable asset: my time. Ur just LUCKY u were loved enough! Its only money. They are choosing present or future financial entitlement and opting to think about themselves instead of the family members that they eventually become dependent on. Will I welcome them into my house and help pay for their food and basics if necessary? I am older than he is and the way they take advantage of him and disrespect him and our individual life is discusting! Shop sales in every category.Uh-oh, overstock: Wayfair put their surplus on sale for up to 50% off. Debt is never a four-letter word to their ears. The point of this article is that the law is making kids pay for their parents care when the parents screwed up and didnt save enough and whether that should even be legal since if I cannot control someone legally why should I be held financially responsible for their actions and inactions? What happened? Then, sit down with her and walk through her finances. My brother and I were both at boarding schools so living away from home during the term time anyway. Move out and take care of yourself, move across the country if thats what it takes. I have a family of my own and were trying to survive. The thing is, you may not even have a choice, due to filial responsibility. so, thanks for your posts and helping me to sort this all out. My other aunt and uncles are still trying to figure out how to get her out of the home shes living in rent free (my grandma died 2 year ago). Get real and look at the big pic. God bless you. Let's work out a plan so that you can pay me back., Say, I am willing to help you; however, I don't want this to happen regularly. They will be only 75 and 72 and with no savings, no income, and not mentioning by then they will require nursing care assistance, they will be imposing enormous amount of annual expenses on me. She proceeded to sell all her jewelery, silver, etc., NOT to pay her bills or buy food, but to buy MORE new furniture, new landscaping and new hardwood flooring in her home. Meanwhile, I have been working hard and saving diligently so I can retire safely someday. If she is being financially irresponsible, F*#$% her. But precedent suggests they will simply blame others for their bad lucks, and it is not their fault for wasting all their savings. But I digress. If its for an emergency, have a real discussion about how similar situations can be managed in the future, perhaps by building an emergency fund for unexpected expenses. People really suck. Parents should always make good decisions financially & not make their children their go to when they want something. What Do You Do When Family Members and Relatives Ask For Your Financial Her 2nd husband passed away and they had not a penny to their name. Maryland. There really is no way to fix them. Again, I recommend speaking to a marriage counselor before jumping to any further steps, but lack of trust between partners is something that needs to be fixed as soon as possible before it can completely corrode the relationship. It is not fair to ask me to support my father when I have a family, one child in college and the other preparing to graduate high school. I have to agree. Its not just a matter of being better than them, its a question of should you waste precious resources on those who arent worthy at the cost of hurting yourself or your own kids (financially speaking). I have been in tears because they support my middle ages uncle (that has made some very poor decision over and over for years that have now landed him homeless), go on trips, pay for my uncles cell bill as well as his two daughters but neglect to contribute to the household. Its truly hard to help family members who dont have a good handle on their finances and seem confused by the basics: Spend less than you make, bank the rest. I got zero help with college (not even a textbook, No help with my wedding (not even a wedding present), no support once I was out on my own (not even a housewarming gift). Dealing with Difficult Family Relationships - HelpGuide.org Now they expect me to help them and I find this disgusting. Manipulate: Control or coerce another person by artful, unfair, or insidious (harmful but enticing) ways, especially to one's own advantage. an elder care lawyer advised her about her future $$ including what happens when she becomes unable to care for herself. My parents are divorced. Were here for you! Im from an Asian culture and they expect children to look after parents. Should a Family Member Be Your Realtor and Charge Commission? But this came at a price, as he basically ran away and left us, the kids, to clean up his very messy house. He did have problems in the space, but he should have placed his money in an escrow account until those problems got resolved. I still assist with very limited personal items she needs. So she would spent money as she pleased and bought the most expensive things she could find. Weve worked hard to raise our family in a simple, loving environment and Im not going to let them take that away from us. No. One credit card still checks my report about every 6 months (I think its to ensure I wasnt just trying to get out of a true debt). Whoa, I did not know about filial responsibility laws! You might be financially fit while someone else is . I have no choice but to help her because If I say no I would feel so bad. Employment insurance is no longer an option for him when he loses jobs. It's important to temper your expectations about what others can and want to do. Are Subscription Monitoring Apps Worth It? They are both healthy and have stable jobs with years of tenure. It sounds like more than one of your sons lack respect for money and personal belongings. I have to say the idea of not doing so seems ridiculous to me actually. If we hadnt been returning to the UK to live, (I have been unemployed for 4 months now) things would have been a whole lot worse. If I could help them I would, but how? Thanks to my parents I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and according to the state in which I live I am responsible for my mothers medical bills upon her death because she is applying for Medicaid. Care of her fate because they were close, but now she is saying she doesnt have time. No. I will be there if they need a place to live, but I wont be an open checkbookand with them thats what it is if you give them $. When raising a child the parent has the option to buy toys, clothing and anything else in a frugile manner. Now that she is old, broke and needing a lot of care he has left her behind but not prior to taking her car. Money can create strains in your relationship. Well, guess what, Nine months ago at the age of 56 my husband and I decided to hang it up. I returned home for only one year and spent the entire time overworking to pay the bills and volunteering for other tours overseas. Law or no law. But in any case I dont think the state should force you to pay for them period. Afterall, children dont ask to be born. We even had to toe his broken down car to the next home. Im sorry if my parents generation didnt think of the financial and emotional responsibility of raising a child, it is not your childs responsibility to take care of you, it is your responsibility to take care of your child. Signs Your Romantic Partner Might Be Financially Unstable | Family Your sister was laid off six months ago; her refrigerator just went out, and she has asked if you could float her a loan to buy a new one shell pay you back, with interest, as soon as she finds a new job. Living on oatmeal in an apartment in the ghetto, which was the best I could do after her absentee parenting, was much too impoverished for her. Im 25 and my parents have 0$ in savings and live way beyond their means. Doesnt make a lick of sense. To top it all off, now her insurance and medicare are running out and she expects to get on medicaid to improve her chances of not going to a state hospital. If she managed to acquire any credit cards here, theyd already be maxed out. May your horrible parents burn eternally. But like those are words. 8 Ways to Help Family Members in Financial Trouble - Investopedia They eat out three times a day. i think thats where the resentment is coming from our rage should be directed at the financial elite who have overseen the destruction and mismanagement of an economy that is broken leading to a bleak future the pitch forks are well overdue. Unfortunately, Im in the latter group. Im over her narcissism and guilt trips. What Happens to Your Taxes When You Rent-to-Own to a Family Member? Help them seek a job if they want that help. We are aggressively opposed to that idea because my mother is perfectly capable of earning and saving but chooses not to. I had to unlearn a lot of lessons when I started managing my own money after college! The rich own corporations including assisted living facilities and nursing homes. This is called compassion for fellow man. Give time and help to needy parents, not cash. They insisted. They give to each other although, yes, Im sure the couple gives more. Navin, you made no sense at all. And one of our children is an adopted family member that my mother-in-law asked us to take in years ago, and because of that instead of having 15 yrs to pay off our own debts and free up some money before needing to help with kids in college, well be barely managing to help our daughter go to college in 6 yrs. In a recent CareerBuilder survey, some 78 percent of Americans reported living paycheck to paycheck. of her debts. This can happen in several ways, but the most common routes include a person having a financial epiphany after marriage that isnt shared by the spouse or someone getting married while believing that he or she can change their spouse. Well, boo hoo. How is that helpful?! Last summer, he showed up on my door step and stayed in my guest room for 8 months (minus a trip to Equador) and was very disrespectful of me personally the whole time he was here. His sister acts like shes also entitled to being taken care of by her younger brother. He has 4 other siblings, not one helps and hed the only one trying to pay actual bills like a mortgage, car ins. Some people does NOT make enough 2 retire rich! I would help them with medical or housing, but I dont want to be used to supplement their lifestyle. My Husband Uses Me Financially (13 Alarming Signs) - Her Norm I put myself through school, paid my own rent, and have been independent since age 14, so the idea that my husband and I will have to use our own savings to subsidize her extravagant lifestyle makes my blood boil. My father is the owner/operator of his truck and my mom never worked. I would probably provide some financial help for my parents if they needed it, as long as I felt it was voluntary. My parents have used us, impacted each of us (children) financially in a significant way. Man. I can feel that. This readers sisters house has a lien on it and her credit cards are maxed out, again. She still hasnt gotten rid of it and we come back to less than 250.00 saved. Im a little too concise to get more than 15 pages from my lifeI like bullet points too much :). Toys arent a part of a good quality of life, emotional bonding and development are. since then she works small jobs and gets fired she has horrible temper. This continued for several years, eventually due to a military commitment I was sent overseas for a year I was still paying for everything but just having the distance from the problem let me see clearly how intentionally helpless she was. Oversight is not a punishment. Its hard to put my foot down when she comes asking for money. With that being said, they can still pass down their debts to you after they are gone! So to answer the question will i help out my irresponsible parents NO.better yet HELL NO!!!! And theres a lot of subjectivity on what is taking care of them. Like many in her age group, your 25-year-old daughter graduated college with crushing student loan debt and is struggling to find a full-time job. Which brings us back to your sister. What can I do if my spouse is financially irresponsible?| They see no way out. Were also not talking about a woman who is 78. I think that if I were to help them out monetarily on a continuing basis, it would have to be on my terms. I am having a really sad situation and my mum has always been a very generous lady. Tney had always lived big and spent everything, so there was no savings and although opportunities were available, my dad refused to work for someone else. And since she only leaves the house a few times a week, she is always using resources. If anyone feel different, they can care for you. She already proposed a few years ago that she was considering moving in with me and my husband (apparently she just assumed wed be thrilled with the idea), and I made it clear then that we were NOT on board with that, and would never be on board unless she had serious health issues and needed care. I love them dearly but, they can set a camper up in my back yard and stay there if its that or homeless. 2. I'm Worried About How Inflation Will Affect My Retirement Savings. Part of it is that they are lazy, after me and my sister moved out there were 2 rooms and basement in the house they could rent out but they just left it there.. I am slowly trying to save up some money, unfortunately where I currently live the rental/property market is out of control!! At least 28 states and Puerto Rico have filial responsibility laws that mandate adult children must pay for their parents basic life needs, should they need it, including nursing home care. However I am backing away from that at this time because of the strain. Dont let yourself get this bad. 6 Signs Your Romantic Partner Might Be Financially Unstable. Whoa you arent ungrateful you are a rational adult entitled to your savings that you had the intelligence to accumulate. Dont feel bad. so on his credit there is 30k + of unpaid debt all because of her. When he married my mother they lived in Monte Carlo and Paris and mingled with famous and successful people. She pays over 20 percent interest on those credit cards. My partner is Korean and his parents moved here from Korea 35 years ago in pursuit of the glamorous American life. Part of the problem is that people dont know what they spend. If she was ill? God has put her in my life, and I need wisdom for how to love her bestwhether that means giving her a few bucks now and then or completely leaving her to her own devices. It will be good for your selfish soul. This is after she has taken other family members out to eat & finished her monthly HSN or Kohls run. Thanks for a good laugh. And now Im apparently legally obligated to support them? They are fed. My son lectured me (when did I get to *that* age!) If you spent all your retirement when you were alive you have $0. Thats what those laws are for. Help them with household chores. I have spent my 20s working, worrying about money and desperately trying to think of a way to make the future seem a little brighter. I have never asked them for money because i felt bad i was always clothed bad for school and never had money when i was small they should be ashamed of themselves of making me go thru that i remember one year i went a whole semester wearing only 3 shirts that costed 10 dollars for all three that was pretty fuked up on their part. She likely grew up with parents that hurt her being in some manner. No savings or investments at all, and mortgage still left to be paid off. She isnt going hungry and has a roof over her head. The anger, frustration, and confusion comes my boyfriends family. Very few people will object to sometimes doing things that dont require as much spending. Connectivity is what helps us all live life a bit more easily. Prior to that, they had money and paid for things. He doesnt say anything about paying bills because he knows Im trying. I am upset that they know they need to save, but instead go out to fancy dinners and buy expensive gadgets that they dont need but want. Its hard for those with responsible parents to imagine this scenario. If they find reasons not to help you, this may indicate that they don't want to work for the money and rely on you to give it to them. I am thankful to my parents who worked hard every day giving me the best of everything ( ,,from Mexico ),,,as they grew up here in the United States were taught nothing comes free .In this life . Offer to help in ways that don't involve money so you can show your support without adding money to the mix. They are messy which would drive me a little crazy. They may not be as taxing as you imagine, and the repayment terms may be within your budget. since I met my husband 10 years ago she has always mentioned wanting to move in upstairs, well, she finally screwed up every place she lived moved about 6 times in as many years and finally she had no where else to go no job and money and we had to let her move in upstairs. Any thoughts? Its me (29) and my sister plus two younger brothers (14, 12) who my parents had later in life. States dont even have to target the family member who has the most money nor all children, siblings, etc as a group. !Have her baker-acted and sent to rehab. If I say.. yep, well you made your bed, well then Im a terrible daughter. All your bills will increase. Even when you need to vent, talk about the positives as much as the negatives. They have portrayed a lavish lifestyle while making bad decision upon bad financial decision. We complain limited human rights for individual selfishness, than respecting others individual human rights. :-) good luck all! If he gets into financial trouble, scammed, etc. Since November 2018 now WE (my hubs and I) have been supporting every want, need, and desire!! He suffers from depression, which is sometimes debilitating. I was lucky back in the early 80s in two ways first, that I saw the problem early enough to start preparing mentally and financially for it and second that I got established in a career that allowed me to make a good living and save both for me and my mom but it was a long couple decades of worry and stress to get here. Which was amazing! having read these posts, the word narcissist screams. All her overleveraged homes got foreclosed, including the one i signed for (i did not benefit $1 from that home). I am at the end of my rope and she tells me I am the one who should feel like crap. You offer cash without discussing how it will be used or how it will be paid back. (Now theyre legal). I noticed a lot of people who will never have to worry about it, are quite proud that they would of course do it as its the right thing to do, and they would be ever so happy to do it. Youre supposed to help those who are actually in need. If youre giving money to a family member or friend, dont be shy about expressing your expectations. Grown-ups, the best gift you can give to your children is to be responsible for your own life, money and happiness! Giving birth does not make you a true parent. Once you have a compromise in place, does your partner stick to it? Knowingly irresponsible behavior may cause guilt and embarrassment, so the person attempts to cover it up. They handed out money to family friends at an alarming rate, and even made great new friends who would contact them seeking financial help. I am disabled. and yet I feel guilty. Weve tried talking about finances and planning for retirement, but got nowhere. This article has been viewed 86,869 times. I dont know what to do I just wnt her out of our house now but not sure what to do to make this happen. we can help but the last thing i want is my mother in law living with us when she gets older. I hoping one day to be financially secure and dont plan on having any children, just cant deal with that stress and dont want to ever have to depend on them for money. If I give her cash she will give it to my drug addict, non working sister-in-law who is younger than I am and needs to go to work. Very cruel situation. Dealing with financially irresponsible family members is never simply resolved by opening your checkbook. Explain that while she has her whole adult life to save for retirement, you are getting close to the end of your working years paying her way isnt sustainable in the long term.

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